I’m baaaaack! Yup, but just temporarily. Thought I would just tell you one of my true life stories. Let me tell you about one of my misguided attempts to fly. I had the good fortune to never have had to mow a lawn until the spring of 2006 when I rented a duplex. I asked around and eventually bought a decent self-propelled gas mower. I liked being outdoors in the spring and the smell of fresh cut grass was beckoning, so I was excited. The day arrived and I was psyched. I fill up the gas tank, wheel my shiny, bright red, spanking new mower out of the garage, pull, pull, pull the starter cord and the engine roars to life. In fact, it makes so much noise that I just know that all my neighbors are looking out their windows watching the novice mow her first lawn.
I next pull the self-propel lever back to the handle and “whoosh,” off we went. By “we,” I mean the mower with me hanging on for dear life, legs pumping wildly like a cartoon character’s legs spinning like a windmill. We charged across the driveway, cut a diagonal swath across the front lawn, continued over the sidewalk and onto the tree lawn when I realized that if I didn’t want to be dragged into the street by this feckless 5.75 horsepower machine that seemed determined to have me killed by a heart attack or being run over by a passing car, I had to let go of the handle and let that damned mower run off into lawn mower limbo land—without me.
In the end, the lawn got mowed, in fits and starts, over the course of the next hour. Apparently, I’m a slow lawn mower learner because it took me a good while to find that sweet spot on the self-propel lever where I could walk comfortably without pin-wheeling around the yard panting like a dog. I finished the yard sweaty, having an asthma attack, and satisfied that at least my humiliation was worth it because the lawn was mowed. Then, it rained--for three straight days. The grass was ankle high and I soon learned that wet lawn and lawn mowing yields green, grass covered legs and permanently green socks!
Karen Mizner, Former President of FTFW
This "Message from the President" was included in Volume 2, Issue 3 of the Hoosier Humanist Herald, which was published on 3/9/19 by FTFW.